For The Love of Pharmacutical Medicine

When I was a teenager, around 14 years old, I was told that I would be prone to bouts of Depression. It is something that runs in my family. My Mom had a chemical imbalance, as well as my sister, both having non-psychological mental problems. I thought I had dodged a bullet, but it seems to have finally caught up with me in a big way. We were lower-middle class at best. My Mom worked 2 jobs and we never took money from government programs. So I was never put on any medication. I have dealt with this thing all my life. It is probably the reason I write songs in the manner I do. The reason I have, had, such a hatred for the world. The reason I tended towards hating religious people instead of just accepting that we see things differently. In the last few years, my bouts have become longer and more intense. For months on end I would be mired in Depression. I would avoid talking to my Wife, because I didn’t want to be mean or angry to her for no reason than I was just awake. That action had the opposite effect, seeming as if I were avoiding her because I wanted nothing to do with her. The last year has been the worst of all. I stay angry, I stay depressed, I stay resentful at the fact I am alive. My Wife finally forced the issue and we saw a Doctor about what was going on with me. The Doctor was surprised I had never taken any sort of medication for my condition. He prescribed me Viibryd, a new Anti-Depressant. In a couple of weeks, my Wife noticed a dramatic difference. I had stopped talking of death; I had stopped being angry; stopped attacking religion, politics, etc. I had become focused on Her, Life, and stopped avoiding my reality. That… is the good news.

Last Wednesday [12-8-11] I missed taking my pill. One day. That night I went to bed. Every time I was about to drift into sleep, I would hear this loud surge of electricity and then all the ambient noise in the world would immediately silence. It would jolt me out of sleep in a panicked state. My Wife would calm me down and I would try to go to sleep again. This same thing happened 4 times. I, as well as She, was miserable. I finally feel asleep… and things got worse. I had my first Night Terror. I was part of a clan of people on the run from a military unit trying to kill us, for what reason I do not know. The first time we were caught, they hauled us into interrogation rooms and tortured us. I awoke trying to scream and my Wife trying to convince me it was all a dream. She did, and I went back to sleep.

I awoke in my dream again, with the same clan of people, though less of us now. We were trying to make our way through a dead forest with the military unit right behind us. Through razor wire and barbed wire we ran as fast as we could. I remember being bloodied and bruised and exhausted. I soon realized I could no longer hear any of my people. I turned back and all I saw was the military unit with my people in hand. One of the soldiers slit the throat of one of my clan at the same moment another soldier fired a pistol right at me. I woke up trying to scream and, again, my Wife was there to help me understand that none of it was real. She did, and I went back to sleep.

The last night terror I experienced unveiled itself most brutally of all. I awoke in my dream again, this time there was only a few of us, but it seems we had made it to safety. We were in a round room with nothing but windows that looked out into Space, though Space did not look as it typically does. The stars were as bright as I had ever seen them, but Space itself was a vibrant Blue, not Black. You could see countless auroras and systems, it was absolutely beautiful. Then, the room began to spin… faster and faster to the point that none of us could move. When it stopped, we were near the edge of the dead forest. I did not see any of the soldiers behind us, so we ran for the wood line to see what was beyond. They were waiting on us. The unit took us prisoner, but not before shooting my dog Max, my Nine-year-old Shetland Shepherd I have had since he was a puppy. They shot him in the leg, only wounding him. They bound us to chairs and sat us at a long dining table. Soldiers sat in between each of us, and their commander sat at the head of the table. Each soldier had a plate in front of him that had some sort of sauce on it. Then, a soldier approached the table with my dog Max in his arms, still alive. Placing Max on a rolling cart, near the table, the soldier cut the top of Max’s head open to expose the brain. The soldier pulled out Max’s brain and separated it into to small pieces on each of the plates at the table. The soldiers laughed as they dipped and ate the small meal. I saw Max stagger away from the table, cranium open, walking as if about to fall. My heart was breaking as I looked on, not being able to do anything. Then the commander pulled his side arm and fired a single bullet into the head of each of the members of my clan. I was last as the commander smiled, aimed, and fired. I awoke in bed, silently screaming and as it turned out, I wasn’t awake. I silently screamed until I actually screamed myself awake.

My Wife told me again “It isn’t real”, but all I could do is tell Her that they killed Max. She asked “You want to call Max back here?” I went to the bedroom door and called for Max, he did not come immediately. I began to panic and cry and called for him frantically. Max came around the corner and I dropped to my knees, sobbing into his fur. My Wife said Max looked at her with a sense of unease. She said to me “don’t hug him so hard, he doesn’t know what’s going on.” I loosened my grip and She had the idea of me sleeping up front with the animals. I slept peacefully on the chase lounge for the next 3 hours while my Wife pretty much stayed up to make sure I was going to be alright. In the morning I was full of panic and anxiety. I couldn’t clear my head and the nightmares from the night before still seemed like memories of something that actually happened. I picked up my medication and by that afternoon, finally felt normal. This all occurred because I missed one day of taking the pill. When we looked at what the effects would be from missing a day, or quitting all together, the symptoms matched what I went though. Explaining one would experience “Electric Shock Sensation” & “Nightmares”.

Since then, everyday has been better than the one before. I had a talk with my Boss, the one that hates me, to explain what has been going on with me for the last few years. He seemed receptive and hopefully I am on a good path to proving myself worthy of my job and position. My life at home has improved greatly and I enjoy, actually enjoy, being alive. My Wife is the most remarkable woman to go through all of this and stay beside me. I am looking forward to better days ahead. Thanks for reading and Happy Christmas.


Random Thoughts 12/1/2011

Here are some thoughts I am having:

I recently have been put on a medication for depression. It seems to have really helped. My wife tells me I have not spoken of dying, or wished that I were dead, since I began the medication. I still feel that I am almost trying to fall into a depression, but my mind is not allowing me to, and that is a great thing. I am not a happy person for the most part. I am found to be a funny person, and I will take that over being happy any day. I still hate my boss; let’s call him Ham, mostly because he hates me. This Church Deacon, who prides himself a good Christian man, treats me as if I single-handily created slavery. He is dismissive, petty, cruel, intolerant, and just plain mean. He knows this, other people see this, and I know I could make a case to Human Resources about it, but I don’t want to. I just want him to act like a Human Being and ask himself… What Would Jesus Do? I am lucky I don’t have to do that. I treat people the way I wish to be treated and it works out pretty good most of the time. I suspect he is the kind of person that has to be reminded to be a good person because that what he is supposed to do.

That is another problem I have religion. People, who are good at Heart, are good in spite of their religion, not because of it. They should know that. Weak people need to be reminded to be good. Bad people need to give themselves rules to be good because their nature dictates otherwise. A good person is a good person… period.

Also, I support whole-heartedly the occupy Wall Street movement, though, the one place they need to occupy is the White House lawn. The news is telling average people everyday the truth the rest of us have known for a long time. The Police are being used to break up these peaceful demonstrations using Riot gear and Pepper spray. The powers that be are letting you know that they don’t have to listen to you and it is OK for the top 1 percent to own nearly 50 percent of the wealth. Nothing will change until there is a true revolution. Change will not come though peace, but through violence. It shouldn’t have to be that way, but history dictates that is the only way real change occurs, and regimes are toppled.

So comes another Christmas holiday. I loathe Christmas and everything it stands for. In Europe, Christmas was a Mass for Christ. I am totally against anything that celebrates Christianity or other poisonous religions. In the United States, Christmas was originally banned by the Puritans (or as I call them “Super Christians”) who came to the new world, because, Christmas had become a time for celebrating and engaging in, debauchery. Christmas was resurrected in the mid 1800’s and eventually became a celebration dedicated to children and commerce. That’s right, the real reason for the season in the United States… Shopping!